• Charité

Okay, I know I say this all the time, but my titles are consistently getting worse.

Anyway, I have pimpled, scars, and excessive oil on my face. I also have an aloe vera plant named Kelly 2.0 (long story), who was having a bad hair day. She had taken a nasty fall from her perch next to my bed this morning, and some of her fleshy leaves had been bent beyond repair. They had be trimmed, or she would never regain balance.

I found a recipe for aloe face masks from SiO Beauty (go check it out!), and one called for:

Two Tablespoons of aloe vera gel

One Tablespoon of brown sugar

That's it! I didn't strictly follow these measurements, since the mixture ended up being a little too runny for my taste, so I added some extra sugar, and came out with a blend of facial scrub AND face mask!

I gently massaged this stuff onto my face for about three minutes, and then let it sit there while I watched Smosh videos for another fifteen minutes.

MY FACE IS SO BRIGHT. It's smooth, clean, and I don't know if it's my imagination, but my pimple scars seem way less noticeable.

All this to say, Kelly 2.0 is feeling better, and so am I.

  • Charité

Okay, that's perhaps the most misleading title I've done yet.... I've just been watching a lot of vines to distract me from my problems.

ANYWAY, today I want to talk about exploiting my self-hate and using it to help myself. Weird, right? I promise I start making more sense once I've been talking for a bit.

I was on the phone with my really good friend, Heather yesterday. I had been in crisis mode recently, and had reached out to her for help. I've been feeling very overwhelmed recently, been having flashbacks, etc., and she asked me if I had spoken to my therapist about any of this. To be honest, I have spoken to my therapist, but only about the gist of what's been going on. I've been vulnerable, but not as vulnerable as I could be. I just can't seem to recount details to her, just the surface of my problems. I'm looking for a quick and easy fix, and nothing more. It just doesn't seem worth it to relive any of these events, when I could just ignore them and solve most of my issues easier.

Heather asked me if I wanted to get married someday, if my family was struggling to understand what I needed, whether my friends were confused. I answered "maybe," "yes," and "yes." Heather pointed out that since I may not feel like healing from my trauma for myself, I should focus on healing from my trauma for those who love me. If I can't do it for me, do it for them.

I tend to deny myself happiness and growth... I feel I don't deserve it, and much of that feeling comes from an abusive relationship I've recently been set free from. I was made to feel worthless, cheap, and unnecessary. Hence, I don't allow myself simple things like self-compassion, patience, and time for growth and healing. I do care fiercely for the people in my life, and Heather suggested I start focusing on healing for their sakes, if not my own. I don't only think that will be effective, I also think that will give my perspective a healthy shift. It's always a healthy, helpful option to help others in need. I try to do kind things whenever I start sinking into a really dark place. Helping others is, more often than not, just what I need to get out of my toxic headspace and start feeling more like myself. I stop feeling sorry for myself, and start to feel like I have a purpose.

If you can't do it for you, do it for the people you love.

Here is a completely random, unrelated picture of the world's best mutt. Please ignore the absolute wreck of the room behind her... Quarantine's been rough.

  • @rankin_charity

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